In my (admittedly unqualified) opinion, no-one talks about sex enough. As far as we’ve come over the years, we’re still a very “keep it in the bedroom” kind of nation. Because of this hush hush approach, it’s easy for false information to be circulated so I’m here and ready to set the rumours straight.
1. Sex is defined as penis in vagina
There’s a huge focus on the definition of sex, and most people take it to mean “penetration”. In reality, there’s a lot of people who don’t have penetrative sex, ever! Sex can include toys, fingers, and tongues but doesn’t ever have to include a penis (both partners may have vaginas or just may not enjoy the use of a penis during sexy time). Some people with vaginas have a condition called vaginismus which is where the vagina muscles involuntarily tighten during penetration causing discomfort and pain. Lots of heterosexual couples may not include penetrative sex for a whole host of reasons, and a rigid definition of P in V sex being the “goal” is excluding gay and lesbian couples as well. Basically, there’s a thousand ways to have sex and no wrong way as long as both (or all) parties are enjoying it!
2. Virginity exists and is somehow important
Virginity exists only as a social construct. Before you start at me with “what about the hymen” just remember that the hymen can break at any point in someone's life with things like gymnastics or horse riding being the main culprits for it. I once slept with a transgender man who’d only been having sex using his packer strap on other people, so when I used it on him it ruptured his hymen (we then joked that his dick had managed to take it’s own virginity). The point of this is that hymens are not a reliable indicator of sex or virginity in any way.
The idea of virginity places a commodity on vaginas and shames those who have had sex previously. Having sex doesn’t change you into anything you weren’t before and the whole idea is rooted in misogyny and slut shaming people (especially women) for how and when they choose to have sex. It also ties into the first myth that penis in vagina sex is somehow the goal or more “valid” than other types of sex.
3. Orgasms are the point of sex
Some people find it harder to reach orgasm than others. Some people can only come in a specific scenario with a specific partner. Some people don’t like to finish at all (yes, seriously). Orgasms are not the be all and end all of sex. Sex can be enjoyable with or without an orgasm. Don’t get hung up on your partner not coming- it might just not be the right time or circumstance.
4. Having sex will “stretch out” your vagina
Vaginas are highly elastic and sex is not going to “wear them out” or give you a baggy pussy. I promise. If you can push a baby out of there, it’s not going to stay that size. If you want to tighten your vaginal muscles I’ve written a blog post on Kegel exercises previously but they’re for YOU and YOUR health. Not because some idiot believes that a certain number of sexual partners will somehow stretch your vagina looser. Tight vaginas might be coveted but I always point out that you “loosen up” when you relax and are turned on. Which is surely the goal of a sexual encounter.
5. All men have penises, all women have vaginas
You might have noticed I’ve used gender neutral language throughout this article. There’s a reason for that- because sexual organs do not dictate gender. Simply put, gender is what is in your head and what you KNOW you are, not what happens to be in your pants. I’ve dated men with vaginas and women with penises- whether the individual wants surgery somewhere along the lines is up to them and them only. Plenty of transgender people choose not to opt for lower surgery and it makes them no less valid than anyone else. Intersex people (those with genitals or chromosomes that are not clearly defined as a penis or vagina or XX XY) also exist and make up the same percentage of the population as people with red hair. Having a binary view of sex and gender is harmful and simply just not accurate.
